Chapter 2

The primary tip I picked up from this chapter was to use my cravings as a prompt to pray. I have a hard time expressing myself sometimes and when I am terribly emotional the best course of action for me is the Psalms. I pray over the Psalms, cry the Psalms, and chant the Psalms. I chant them to myself, not out-loud…only almost crazy, not totally…yet.

The chanting is left over from my time in the monastery. We sang the Psalms and canticles from Scripture several time a day. That sort of experience leaves a permanent mark in my heart. I have forgotten many things about the monastic way of life but the chanting and the peace it always brought me remains. There is a Psalm for every emotion. I have turned to the Psalms and found strength. My favorite lately is Psalm 7:1-2. Jesus will not leave me alone to face my fears. My faith will strengthen in this trial and He will sustain me. When I crave unhealthy nourishment for my body then I will pray. And I will use the feelings of craving to remind myself that the only nourishment that can calm my craving is the Bread of Life. And drink a glass of water.

I’ve been drinking lots of water.

I’ve been ignoring my swirling mass of destruction with busyness. Childcare, husband-care, and housework (and now homeschooling) take alot of energy. And it is so easy to justify ignoring my own needs for theirs. And when my black hole acts up I just stuff it with Doritos and chocolate and go about my busy self sacrificing life. It ain’t working, not anymore. My journey to get healthy isn’t just about a thinner waitline and good cholesterol numbers…those will just be nice side effects. This is about holding on to Jesus, being faithful despite my terror and letting Him cast out my fear. And He will get rid of my personal black hole…as soon as I let it go. I can’t hold on to Him if I am holding on to my black hole.This is a pretty simple choice and I feel so stupid now that I see the choice in front of me: I can have my fears and the food I use to silence them or I can have Jesus.

Give me Jesus.

You can have all this world..and chocolate and Dr. Pepper and pizza…

Give me Jesus.

How do I feel about this battle in from of me? (Question 5 from chapter 2)  Tired and terrified. I should have dealt with my black hole years ago. I thought I had. But I can see now that I have dealt with some of the behaviors caused by my black hole but not my swirling dark mass of need. Weariness…that is how I feel. This battle is too big for me and I can’t run from it anymore. I can’t do this Jesus, but you can. Take my black hole Lord and this time I won’t let go of You. I know You are going to show me what this represents. I know it will hurt.

Chapter 3

This chapter is about having an eating plan. That means research. Well, I am not going to make my family go on a diet with me nor will I start a diet. Diet seems like a temporary thing to me. I did spend some time reading about proper portions. I have been properly portioning my food this week and some last week. It isn’t that hard and I can easily keep it up. And I have been answering my cravings with water. I still do not crave water. One small step at a time. Healthier choices and proper portions with exercise. Not much of a plan but at least I have a plan. By healthier choices I mean more natural food and less processed, prepackaged foods. Pop Tarts and Ding Dongs do not grow on trees and I am a little sad over that fact.