Not sure when I let go of my pain. I’ve lived with it so long I hadn’t noticed the weight of it on my soul until it went missing. For years I have struggled with the unwanted memories from my childhood. There is plenty that I can’t remember and pray I never do. Memory gaps …on the other side of these gaps are bundles of grief, betrayal, and shame bound up in denial. What I remember is bad enough…the rest can stay lost.
I’ve struggled for years to forgive. A good Christian forgives but how do I forgive the unspeakable. How do I forgive crimes committed by one parent and also forgive the other parent who stuck their head in the sand. Well, I gave up trying to be a good Christian for a long time. But Jesus did not give up on me and I returned…eventually. The whole issue of forgiveness still bothered me. I would pray for the ability to forgive. I learned that Jesus could forgive for me. I would ask Him to be my forgiveness. I have asked that of Him for the past two years. Everyday…Jesus be my forgiveness.
I do not make that prayer anymore. When I released my black hole to Him (and cried an ocean or two), I was flooded with forgiveness. I just didn’t notice it until yesterday. I was talking to my mom on the phone and noticed at the end of the call that I wasn’t angry with her anymore. I feel sorrow for her and the choices she made but no longer resentful toward her. For once I was able to just talk to her and enjoy the conversation.
I let go of the pain and the past and forgive it all. Jesus died for my black hole and I am glad I finally have the wisdom to leave it at Calvary. Living in forgiveness changes how I see everything and everyone around me. Gratitude flows alongside forgiveness. I am grateful to my Savior who cares enough to help me. But what suprised me at the end of this chapter is the gratitude I have for my husband. Because I have let these pasts hurts go I have a stronger heart for my husband. I love him more. Seems kinda odd for this to be a result of forgiveness but…gonna go with it.
I started this Made To Crave study mostly to get a healthier body but I have ended up with a healthier soul and a deeper gratitude for my husband. Not what I was expecting…
September 16, 2012 at 9:54 pm
Isn’t it funny how we think we need/want one thing and God give us something else? My prayers are with you. I heard recently that God is our real parent, especially for those who have a “mom” and/or “dad” in name only. God is taking care of you. Congratulations for making more room in your life for God’s Blessings. You have a difficult and long road, but you are not alone.
September 21, 2012 at 8:55 pm
I’m finding the changes in me are surprising as well….and the oppression and opposition of the enemy is getting stronger as I fight the battle. I’m just glad God is stronger than all my foes. 🙂
September 26, 2012 at 4:01 am
Amen Sister! We serve an awesome God! He is stronger than the foe. I will be in prayer for you. Persevere and stand in His strength!