Friday night was one of the worst nights of my life. Late that night my brother called me. I knew he was drunk and I debated even answering his call. He is a soldier and has served our country since Kosovo. He is a career soldier…he is a soldier’s soldier. The kind of guy you want by your side when the world falls apart. He is also a train wreck.
He was drunk when I answered his call. I knew he would be. He loaded his gun and told me that he had to die tonight. I spent two hours pleading with him not to end his life. I have had my share of horrible moments in my life but this is truly the worst two hours so far. I love my brother…fiercely. He is my brother. I cannot understand the desire to end one’s own life.
When he loaded the gun I fell apart. I cried and begged and when I could no longer speak my husband took the phone and talked to him. At first I thought we could talk until he passed out and then he would be okay in the morning. But somehow I knew we needed to get someone to him. My brother is several states away but with the help of the military police and the county police we were able to locate him.
My brother was so deeply inebriated that he had to be intubated. His lungs could no longer function…he could not breathe on his own. He accomplished his goal. He lives and is still in the hospital. I am sure he hates me right now…
For the past couple of days I have tried not to fall apart. My heart will beat fast and I feel like I cannot catch my breath. I finally broke down at church Sunday morning. It is a big church and the music is loud enough that no one would notice or hear me. I am a new stranger there. I felt safe to just cry and let my heart break. No one needed me to keep myself together at that moment. The next thing I know the Pastor’s arms are around me. I spill my heart and he prays with me delaying the start of service. He makes me promise to keep him updated. I leave church comforted. I have never been embraced by a Pastor before…
If you are a praying person please pray for my brother. Please pray for our hurting soldiers and their families who love them and feel so helpless…just pray. If you have a veteran in your life then pray for them and let them know they do matter everyday and not just on Veteran’s Day.
November 12, 2012 at 10:21 am
You did the right thing yes he will probably be disappointed in what you did. However he still alive and you will keep loving him no matter what happens.
November 17, 2012 at 8:13 am
Thank you so very much.
November 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm
There have been very few blogs that I truly touched my heart as much as this one did and made me cry. I promise to pray for you and your brother’s healing.
As a military wife, I undestand the pressures that go with it. I pray that this incident will be the tipping point that brings your brother to a wonderful relationship to the Lord and someone explains God’s eternal love and redemption. Please trust that all things work together for good, you love the Lord and somehow some good will come from this I believe. Please let me know when he is brought to the Lord? There is so much power in prayer!! Your brother is worth saving because God made him, he needs to understand that!
November 17, 2012 at 8:12 am
Thank you for praying Ellie! Your words mean so very much to me.
November 13, 2012 at 4:08 am
Our thoughts are with you. May peace reside over your brother as he works out the turmoil in his heart. And may the love of the Father arrest His heart.
November 17, 2012 at 8:14 am
Thank you for praying. He needs prayers as he tries to heal.
November 16, 2012 at 12:42 am
I’ve found you again! So sad to read this as the first entry in catching up on you guys. I am praying for J right now.
November 17, 2012 at 8:16 am
Sam!!!! I love you very much!!
November 18, 2012 at 2:07 pm
Wow, this made me cry. My brother comitted suicide when I was 17. Never had the chance to save him, pray for him, or talk him down. I wish I could have. I’m glad you get this second chance. Losing someone from suicide is horrible and never leaves you. I’m 35 and still miss my brother every day. I think people who are suicidal need hope, more than anything. They need to know their life means something, that its not all in vain. They need to know their purpose. Without Christ, we don’t have a purpose. Praying for you and your brother today. Hang in there and lean on Christ who is able to give you the strength you need for this next chapter of life.
November 18, 2012 at 7:01 pm
My sweet friend I am truely heartbroken to learn of your brother and the loss you still feel. Thank you for the prayers…I covet them.
November 18, 2012 at 10:33 pm
Hugs to you!!