Friday night was one of the worst nights of my life. Late that night my brother called me. I knew he was drunk and I debated even answering his call. He is a soldier and has served our country since Kosovo. He is a career soldier…he is a soldier’s soldier. The kind of guy you want by your side when the world falls apart. He is also a train wreck.

He was drunk when I answered his call. I knew he would be. He loaded his gun and told me that he had to die tonight. I spent two hours pleading with him not to end his life. I have had my share of horrible moments in my life but this is truly the worst two hours so far. I love my brother…fiercely. He is my brother. I cannot understand the desire to end one’s own life.

When he loaded the gun I fell apart. I cried and begged and when I could no longer speak my husband took the phone and talked to him. At first I thought we could talk until he passed out and then he would be okay in the morning. But somehow I knew we needed to get someone to him. My brother is several states away but with the help of the military police and the county police we were able to locate him.

My brother was so deeply inebriated that he had to be intubated. His lungs could no longer function…he could not breathe on his own. He accomplished his goal. He lives and is still in the hospital. I am sure he hates me right now…

For the past couple of days I have tried not to fall apart. My heart will beat fast and I feel like I cannot catch my breath. I finally broke down at church Sunday morning. It is a big church and the music is loud enough that no one would notice or hear me. I am a new stranger there. I felt safe to just cry and let my heart break. No one needed me to keep myself together at that moment. The next thing I know the Pastor’s arms are around me. I spill my heart and he prays with me delaying the start of service. He makes me promise to keep him updated. I leave church comforted. I have never been embraced by a Pastor before…

If you are a praying person please pray for my brother. Please pray for our hurting soldiers and their families who love them and feel so helpless…just pray. If you have a veteran in your life then pray for them and let them know they do matter everyday and not just on Veteran’s Day.