in pursuit of wild things

I’m not writing from my usual spot. The sounds are a distraction, the lighting is bothersome, my broke-down computer chair isn’t here, and I forgot to pack the mouse. All little things but they are keeping me from finding my flow. I feel the words but they are bottlenecked in my brain…captured by the emotional buzz of over stimulation. Usually a glass or two of wine cures the block. Sadly, I have no wine. Maybe that is for the best tonight. I have a tendency to make people uncomfortable when the wine frees my inhibitions to speak plainly.  I used to work really hard to make the people around me happy and comfortable only to realize it was making me miserable. So I quit trying to please the ones who stomped on my heart…just walked away.

We left home this week. I was so exhausted that I missed the moment. The realization didn’t hit me until we exited onto I24. I’ll return soon to oversee the move, inspectors, repairmen, and cuddle needy children. The moments will fly by and suddenly I’ll be standing in an empty house. The children will feel a bit lost and insecure. Expressing such

feelings in their own unique ways. We’ll return to the house a few times to collects the things that movers must leave behind. But it won’t be the same.

An empty house is sad and lonesome. I guess because it is just a house and not a home. No family to shelter from storms and cold. No children picking “dandy lions” in the yard…just echoes of memories swirling in the dust like ghosts.

We signed the listing on the house exactly seven years from the day we purchased it. Kind of a strange coincidence. I wasn’t ready to see the big “for sale” sign in my yard this week. I am very excited to be moving back home to central Kentucky but for some reason I thought there was a little more “time”. It took all of my strength not to shed a few tears watching the realtor put the sign in the yard. My hands shook as I signed the listing papers.

Wednesday was Oldest’s last lesson with his mentor and guitar teacher. As we sat down to eat our last meal with our church family I see that he was holding back his own tears. Mrs. C shared our table with us like she does every Wednesday night. We’ll miss her. Sparkles cried like there was no tomorrow when we left church that night.

Thursday was the day I broke down and cried like there was no tomorrow. So many things went wrong that day and I was just done. I cried in front of the kids…not just tears. I wailed. Littlest kept hugging me. I couldn’t deal with everything by myself anymore. I reached out to my friend and she rushed over to help. She spent a few hours listening to me, fixed the things I could not handle and then we just sat

together and talked. I found the courage to say the things to her that often go unsaid in friendship. I’ve moved many times in my life and people come and go. Often, I never tell others what they mean to me. I wanted her to know she mattered, that she made a difference in my life. We cried and hugged but we didn’t say goodbye. Because it wasn’t. She stopped by a couple of days later to pick up our bunnies. Monty and Polly went to temporarily live with her family. We’ll return for them in a few weeks when our house is finished.

Our grumpy kitty couldn’t come with us. I said goodbye to her when we left. Another friend (Mrs. Cuddle-me) stopped by our house later that night to adopt Zee. I’m sad to let her go but glad that she is going to a family that completely spoils their pets!

Today was a good day. We chose to visit the apartment we’ll be living in until our house is ready. We put in a full day of school since we have nothing else to do here. The kids were so happy to be doing something “normal” again. We read from our read-alouds, worked on math, science and history. For a few hours we forgot all about the move and had a great time together.

Linking up with: Weird Unsocialized Homeschoolers

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