in pursuit of wild things

I wrote this a few of days ago with every intention to delete or seriously revise. I’ve decided to keep it. These moments are mine and I choose to own them. I couldn’t sleep the night before the movers arrived…so I wrote.

Thoughts on a closing chapter

This morning I am an emotional bundle of nerves. My hands shake, spilling coffee.  I can’t stand the smell of my toast. Nausea is settling in. I am burning on the inside and chilled with goosebumps. I can feel my pulse in my neck and wrists. My heart feels like it has been squeezed into my throat. Times like this when my emotions are all at once and too many to capture I find overwhelming. I feel like I will be lost under their weight.

I am angry and hurt. Today I feel the rejection this move represents to me. I’ve kept it stuffed in the darker periphery of unacknowledged thoughts. To be rejected is painful…humiliating.

Now my chest feels tight around my breath…

I abandon my crappy coffee. I’m wearing a good portion of it anyway.  Life is too short for crappy coffee. I head outside to get myself together since it is almost time to get the kids up. Watching the sun rise I realize it is the last day of summer. The morning is also cold enough that I can see my breath. I still feel hot and a little dizzy. Maybe I have a fever too…

My anger is defensive. It would be so easy to just wallow in its poison. I’ve been here before. I’ve already faced this fear, wrestled with it until my soul bled. I was a daughter when they wanted a son. I was physical gratification to the one man who should have loved me enough to protect me. I’ve already accepted being unwanted or an object…garbage to be thrown away. What I am feeling now is a shadow of a past hurt. This current situation just brought these old wounds to the surface. That’s all. Truth dispels my anger and hurt. I’m just sad now and confused. I’m not sure what I did or said to cause the shunning from the family. I guess I am too honest and suck at being fake. Oh…and I pour it all out in words on this page.

I won’t quit writing.

My story didn’t end with my own family’s rejection. Jesus found me and kept me. He doesn’t throw His children away. He accepts me with all of my ugly flaws, bad decisions and brokenness. He doesn’t take those things away…He makes them beautiful. He hasn’t abandoned me this time either. Looking back I can see He sent other loving people into my life. I am blessed.

These are my thoughts while I gather carrots and weeds for the bunnies. I am grateful my friend brought them back to us this week. She will collect them again soon and care for them while we prepare a new home for them. Today the bunnies are here. I thank God for my friend and sweet bunnies. I thank Him for this beautiful morning even though I feel like falling apart. I ask Him for strength knowing it is already mine.

The bunnies greet me all excited for their treats. They are so cute standing on their hind legs looking up at me. I really enjoy this moment…when they run to me. For whatever reason these creatures are a balm to my inner turmoil. I wonder if the Lord meant for bunnies to be so therapeutic. I wonder what they must have been like in The Garden before man’s fall.

I remember and miss my grumpy cat. I cry for her and hope she is well.

I’m exhausted from examining all of these emotions. I want to go to bed now but it is time to get the kids up. The movers will be here soon. My insides still feel like jello but I am calmer now. Confident in God’s grace for today.

I miss my husband. We’ve lived separately for nearly a month now. I’m quit certain that living apart from him is detrimental to my mental and physical stability. He’ll be here at the end of the week. Of all the gifts I have ever received in my life my husband is the most wonderful. Together we will leave this house. The years of our life together here are closing. A new chapter with new adventures is opening to us now.

I’m ready to turn the page.