at the monastery
at the monastery

I read this today:

“I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief.” –Spoken by a father with a dying son to Jesus.

So can this girl plagued with dying religion say that to Jesus? Well, I reckon so. My footing isn’t sure, the path my heart has tread for twenty years vanished in doubt’s mist. A faith shift. This is just where I am spiritually.

I am not afraid to be in this place of shifting. I do not fear completely losing my religion and walking away nor do I fear embracing it again. But I do fear pretending these doubts do not exist in hopes they will just go away. Faith and religion have always mattered to me. I used to climb trees as a kid so I could be closer to God. I entered a monastery and considered a life as a Bride of Christ. Faith and religion matter to me. They have always been intertwined in my way of thinking. Two halves of the same coin. For me that has unraveled.

I still believe in Jesus. I talk to him everyday. But I have serious doubts about the church that currently exists on his words. I cannot be offended by red cups and homosexual relationships. And can I be honest and just say that I do not care how old the earth is anyway?! It really doesn’t matter to me or the remaining shreds of my religion. Jesus said we should love God with all of our heart, mind and soul. Exploring these doubts, experiencing this shift to my mind is loving God. I cannot love God if I do not truly know him.

Beginning in January I’ll be reading through Faith Unraveled by Rachel Held Evans and will be sharing my thoughts. I’d love for anyone to join me but I understand why some cannot. I even understand if the subject just doesn’t interest you. If you want to condemn me to hell…well that isn’t very nice but I get it. It wouldn’t be the first time.



I’m breaking free from religion for the sake of my soul