The week went by too quickly…mostly because of the long weekend. The big event for me this week was going to my very first baseball game to see the Lexington Legends. I do not know much about the game but my husband filled me in on the basics. So, I wasn’t too lost. I may have called one of the “runs” a “touchdown” but otherwise managed to follow along. I only know football and a smattering of NASCAR at this point in my life…and I’m okay with that. Anyway, I expected to be kinda bored but it was actually really fun. I doubt that I could ever sit through a game on television but going to a game “in the moment” is certainly doable.
Did you know hot butter will ruin laminate floors? I discovered that fact painfully this week. I melted some butter in a pan and for some reason it suddenly exploded! I’ve been cooking since I could push a chair to the stove and nothing like that has ever happened to me before. My counters, stove, cabinets and floor were covered in hot butter…and so was I. Hot butter hurts! The mess was truly spectacular and it impressed the boys.
Later this week I will leave for the Brave Writer Retreat. I get to hang out with a bunch of homeschool moms for some relaxation, fun and educational lectures. Melissa Wiley (author of The Prairie Thief and other children’s books as well as a homeschooler) will be a speaker along with Julie Bogart of Brave Writer. I am looking forward to the trip and the adventure of the experience. A little piece of me is a bit freaked out. Some of the planned activities are way outside of my comfort zone and I am such an introvert. I enjoy other humans but sometimes people and their noisiness can be very overwhelming.
Brave is my word this year…that one aspiration I chose for myself this year. I am not brave. I am terrified mostly…especially outside of my home. Every time my husband goes to work I fear that I will never see him again. When he leaves on a trip without me I am afraid…I worry. I consider my excessive ability to worry and imagine every possible disaster scenario a sin…a personal failing of massive ineptitude. Sometimes my fears are paralyzing. I want to hold my family tightly and never let them go…if I gave in to my natural inclinations I would smother them. I likely suffer from some form of anxiety. For the most part I keep that part of myself well hidden from everyone else. But I am constantly aware…and constantly worry about passing on my faults to my children…or hurting them emotionally somehow. I see pieces of this in my daughter sometimes and it hurts…hurts.
When I chose to be brave this year the retreat is the first thing I signed up for…I am afraid to leave my family. I am not worried about my husband’s ability to care for them. He is a perfect father…a perfect husband. I fail him all the time but he never fails to protect or calm me. Many times I feel that he would be happier without me. I feel that his life would be better without me. I know that isn’t true because he has told me so. I know that it is my personal daemons that say such things to me.
My daemons keep me caged…or they have. I’ve spent my life trying to ignore them or run away. I chose to face them this year and quit running away. I am embracing my faults, my sins…I worry too much, I am overly anxious in a crazy way, like really crazy…I am afraid all the time. Since I chose to be brave this year…I chose to accept my daemons, to embrace them as they have held me all these years. At this point in my life, I can honestly look my kids and husband in the eye as say…I haven’t done everything right and I accept that I may have hurt you but…I love you and I did better toward you than I ever received from my own roots. I have honestly strived to be better than my raising. And that striving is brave.