Confíteor Deo omnipoténti
et vobis, fratres,
quia peccávi nimis
ópere et omissióne:
mea culpa, mea culpa,
mea máxima culpa.
Ideo precor beátam Maríam semper vírginem,
omnes angelos et sanctos,
et vos, fratres,
oráre pro me ad Dóminum Deum nostrum.
In other words…”my bad”. Those two little words always ran through my mind while reciting the Confiteor during Mass. Even in the monastery the phrase would come to mind and I’d chastise myself for being too familiar with God. No matter how many Latin prayers I learned I never mastered the art of a proper relationship with God. Every time I strayed from my image of a good Christian I’d say “may bad, totally messed up there” and then curse myself for talking to God in the wrong manner. And then feel horrible for using curse words…
I know now that I didn’t quite have the right image of a good Christian…let alone what it means to be a good nun. There is no such thing. I’m glad I failed because I am happy being a wife and mother today. Failure really hurts but in my life, has always led to something better once I found the courage to own my faux pas…sin…or whatever.
Recently, I messed up again. I offended a family member in my writing. My husband and others tell me that I didn’t do or say anything wrong. But as I think about it I am not so sure. Of course, I didn’t intentionally set out to sabotage my relationships but…my past proves that my track record with extended family is poor. I tried to talk about the situation with my mother (that was kinda stupid). She didn’t understand and I realized that I didn’t really want to talk to her anyway. But then she said something interesting; she said I was too much like my grandmother.
That statement got my wheels turning.
On my own side of the family my grandmother was the last person I had a real relationship with. We fought and laughed together all the time. We either got along well or we were at war. No in-between with us. She had no acquaintances. Only deeply loved friends or “throw-aways” as she called nearly everyone. Now, I’ve never considered anyone a “throw-away” but if I cannot have a close intimate friendship then why bother. I do not have acquaintances. I’m terrible at small talk and proper chit-chat because the behavior make me feel fake and dishonest. If I cannot engage in visceral meaty conversation then I’d prefer silence. I’m just too intense (so I’ve been told). I need and crave connection…so it really is my fault when family, who doesn’t want a deep connection, feels rejected by me.
So, this whole rift between family and myself is totally my fault. I didn’t set out to hurt anyone…just being honest. My bad.