My crew left for western Kentucky this morning to visit with my husband’s family. They’ll be heading back tonight. I have not been left alone for this long since…I have no idea. In many ways I was looking forward to this glorious day alone, until the day arrived. I felt terribly alone before they even left.
I am soooo pathetic. Still, I managed to make the most of my day. I mopped the floors (and they stayed clean!!!!) Our floors are laminate and I am sure that laminate was invented in Hell. Laminate is impossible to keep clean and is far too delicate for families with children or
someone of my lack of grace in the kitchen. Once I pay for braces I will have to continue working in order to purchase proper flooring.
After admiring my momentarily clean floors I went to the local library for the Gathering of Kentucky authors event. However, once I arrived at the library I learned the event was actually held at the Frankfort Women’s Club. The event page on Facebook clearly says hosted by the library and yet…it was not at the library. Maybe I have no idea what the word “hosted” means. Whatever. I wandered around downtown until I found the proper location (across the street). I bought the two books that I really wanted and drooled over all of the poetry books that I did not bring money to purchase (budgeting is evil). I chatted with a couple of authors who were so
impressed that I read aloud to my children. One of them (Ron Elliott) insisted that I let him know how my children enjoyed his book. I also met the Poet Laureate, Frederick Smock, of Kentucky and was so bedazzled that I did not take his picture!!! He did give me a ton of ideas on expanding poetry tea time with the kids and I am looking forward to implementing his suggestions. I totally have to buy one of his books now…I was out of money when I met him. The owner of Poor Richards assured me he would have all of the Kentucky poetry books in stock very soon.
While at the Kentucky Gathering of Authors event, I met a homeschooling mom who is a member of a homeschool co-op. At first I brushed her off because our family just does not fit in with other co-ops. We’ve tried a few times to join co-ops but just do not love Jesus in the Evangelical Way or are not totally atheistic secular homeschoolers. However, this sounds like a
group we could actually fit in with…maybe they are the tribe we gave up looking for…maybe. I’m not getting my hopes up…but maybe. Like maybe!
After returning home I watched a movie that my mom got for me last Christmas. I loved Independence Day. None of my family seemed interested in the sequel, so I watched it today on my own. It was not as good as the first film but I still enjoyed the movie (Brent Spiner’s butt!!!). I still ended up having to call my husband to figure out how the entertainment system worked…I am totally a tech failure. I also managed to wash, dry and fold four loads of laundry today! Despite my loneliness my day was productive.
Personally, I feel slightly out of control. I am at the beginning stages of menopause. Hot flashes are beyond my ability to explain. I feel like I am crashing…crashing in slow motion. I am hot and then freezing. My menstrual cycle is not…exactly in a cycle. Sometimes twice a month and sometimes not at all. Whatever! I feel like I am crashing in slow motion. I know intellectually what is before me but emotionally I am not ready to enter crone-hood. I witness my daughter entering the maiden phase of life but I am not ready to accept my own lack of infertility. I am becoming a crone while she becomes a maiden…I am not emotionally ready for this phase of my life. Yet, it is here.
It is here…now.
I have always been cold-natured so hot-flashes are…interesting. My libido is overwhelming…or
nothing at all. The Change is…strange. Embracing womanhood is not for the weak; it never has been. At this moment I feel both empowered and vulnerable. I exist on the cusp between fertility and infertility…I am crashing in slow motion. One version of my existence is dying and another is emerging. Nothing can prepare you for nurturing life within your womb and nothing can prepare you for the loss of fertility. Nothing…and I am caught between these existences.
My soul is revived as it dies. I spent part of today in meditation. Trying to accept my new reality. I am not upset in becoming old and infertile…it will take a few years to get there. But eventually I will arrive at that moment. I wondered what it would feel like….sorrow? elation? freedom? At this moment I do not know. I can only wonder…